I REMEMBER
~ Tanairi Mastarreno

 I remember confusion... Fear, anxiety, and uncertainty… I remember the helpless feeling, the loneliness, and the shame. The excellent times were few and far between, and the great times were a rarity. I remember thinking it was me, that I was the cause of the problems we faced. That I was everything, he said I was. I remember thinking this was it… this now was all I would experience. I remember the emptiness of hope… I remember when they took him away. I remember the day that changed my life forever. The answer to my prayers had arrived. I remember speaking to my school Social Worker for the first time…I remember his warm embrace, his kind words, his wisdom…I remember him listening and helping me feel better. I remember how encouraged I felt every time I saw him. I remember when he said he would help. I remember when I was FREE, the tears of Joy I felt; I couldn’t believe it… On this day, I promised myself that I would speak for the quiet voices in our society—those who suffer in silence, those who walk among us, desperate for relief. I remember deciding to counsel others and help them solve complex situations in their life. Though I was FREE from the source of my pain, unfortunately, the scars lingered; they lingered beyond the flesh, but in mind…that day ushered the beginning of self-healing and self-improvement. I understood that to help others; I would need to heal first and get a degree. I conquered negative self-talk. And self-sabotaging habits that I grew up exposed to. To sign up to Stony brooks was a personal battle at first, and to overcome the doubts and talks of not being good enough too…But I moved past my fears anyway and couldn’t be any prouder of myself. 

Tanairi Mastarreno is an MSW student and scholarship recipient through the Social Work Opportunities for Leadership in Addiction and Recovery (SOLAR) Program.